Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Blew out my flip flop…
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
who did the taste test?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.