Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
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Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about