[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
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Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
men are simple creatures