Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
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movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying