Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
How dude HOW?!