Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.