Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I’m not lazy
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.