Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I am HOWLING at this
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs