My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
You Might Also Like
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???