Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
me irl
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”