@kellysdf: Christmas cards are how old people say, "Hey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not!"
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@thenatewolf: God's Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse's body? I think you're just in a bad mood. God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING
@4SLars: PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
@CornOnTheGoblin: Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up
@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"