@kellysdf: Christmas cards are how old people say, "Hey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not!"
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@warmyellowlight: me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test* cashier: would u like a bag
@The_Grant_Boldt: God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people [creates Twitter]
@houffy: Wife: Talk sexy to me Husband: Commencing garment extraction W: Huh? H: Initiating trouser disengagement W: ... H: Removing unmentionables
@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz "we don't have time to get arrested" if you're looking for a parenting role model.