Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.