Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Haha! 😂
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds