[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
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Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]