@Usetobeabastard: Christmas is over, all of the guests have gone home. NO PANTS.
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@jimmy_sharpe: Ever accidentally say 'I love you' to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.
@shawnspree: My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public. "THIS is my wife.." *looks down at the ground *sighs *kicks can
@brycoo: [HR office] Do you know why we called you in today? To give me a pay rise? No. Because I googled 'How to burn down office' 600 times? Yes.
@SarahFemme: I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.