@Usetobeabastard: Christmas is over, all of the guests have gone home. NO PANTS.
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@SteveSuckington: Do these jeans make me look fat? And don't cover your nose this time! -Pinocchio's girlfriend
@KentWGraham: When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
@generaldietz: Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes. Her: What do you do with the time saved? Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
@SortaBad: "I'd like to make a large cash deposit" teller: ok, how much do you have? "Wow can't a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?"