Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
You Might Also Like
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.