I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
You Might Also Like
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.