Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.