When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
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Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it