@ohheyohhihello: [emptying spam] ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

@dafloydsta: Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.

@YourAnMoron: Me "I love you." My 3yo "Thanks." And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.

@lilgapeach32: You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.

@MUMSIEesq: MASSEUSE: just relax ME: THIS IS ME RELAXED