@andrewgutin: Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

@ItsAndyRyan: Satan's greatest trick is convincing you he's not real but there's a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

@TeeJayRush: Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse's mistakes WILL shorten it...

@KalvinMacleod: [at hairstylist] Make me look like I'm running really fast.

@citizenkawala: My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.