Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
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Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.