Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza