CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*