i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*