Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.