Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me trying to “trust the process”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
this is so top tier i cant
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?