Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
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It鈥檚 fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I鈥檇 never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there鈥檚 more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn鈥檛 look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 馃幎Like a good neighbor, state farm is there馃幎
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Wife: I鈥檓 leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig鈥檚 party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow鈥檚 birthday?
The days of good grammer has went
Secret Panel HERE 馃
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
That seems a conundrum…
馃
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
male coworker: how鈥檚 it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you鈥檙e not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you鈥檙e going to jail
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.