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Cinco De Ranch Dressing
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him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m literally crying
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.