Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
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The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.