CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.