Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
The real reason evolution started..😂