Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
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Velcrow
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough