I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
#CoronaOutbreak
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.