Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Simple enough.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A short story of betrayal: