Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
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“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.