“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
You Might Also Like
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Thank you corporation very cool
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
🙂🙃🥹
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.