*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Nothing.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.