*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch