*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*