[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy