CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Dune (2021)
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.