CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
You Might Also Like
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”