clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My therapist after every session
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants