Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.