CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing