CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
You Might Also Like
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day