“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia