Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
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I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict