Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Duolingo getting serious.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God