Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
X-tra spooky blend
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti