[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
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Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
This took me a second..