Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “