Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.