@markleggett: Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.
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@justabloodygame: *scrawls note on deserted isle* TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME! *sends off in bottle* *it returns, months later, with reply* NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
@jwoodham: DRAKE: I'll drop the best album of 2016. BEYONCÉ: Nah. DRAKE: The best album of... April? BEYONCÉ: Nah. DRAKE: Please don't do this to me.
@WritePlay: PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels HER: Shouldn't it be - HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
@TheresNoGodzila: Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us