She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
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When you’re here for the treats.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that